new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.