the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
