My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
