My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
