So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
