Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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