duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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