Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
