trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
