you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
