And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
