GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
