My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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