Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
