i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize