I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
