Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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