Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
