I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
