I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
