my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
