I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
