Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
