You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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