I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
