I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
