piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
