i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How does one acquire holy water?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
