Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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