what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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