If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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