I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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