hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma