I hate your face
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war