What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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