While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
