It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
