why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
my liver is dry heaving
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