You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
