So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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