when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
