Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
