I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
