I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
