If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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