my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
