Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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