Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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