My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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