Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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