Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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