Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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