i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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