new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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