me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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