she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
