dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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