apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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