I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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