I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
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WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
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My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time