I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
