GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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