Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
