can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
