I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
